Have you ever been on a treadmill and felt like you can't get off? Not because you love running, you're just not sure how to slow it down or make it stop so you can get off the stupid thing without breaking your neck. Maybe that's just me who feels like that when I try to use our treadmill. If so, I feel like a total space cadet. Ha!
Well, I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill. One that just keeps spinning faster and faster with no hope of letting me off! We have finally moved and somewhat settled into our new home, all of my family who was around to help has taken off after months of sacrifice and hard work helping us fix up our major fixer-upper of a house. Now its just my husband, my two sweetly infuriating toddlers, a smelly puppy with limitless energy, and myself. (Add to that mix the tiny pear-sized bundle of joy who at this very moment is probably peeing inside of me and playing with it's umbelical cord.)
My husband works graveyard shifts and sleeps most days and I am in school still (senior year!). To say that we are both exhausted is probably an understatement.
Life has been going so fast it's like we can hardly catch our breath anymore. There are sooo many things going on and so much stuff to keep track of it feels like a nightmare most days. Want an example? Here's what a day in my week looks like: (It varies by amounts of temper tantrums, poopy diapers, and puppy piddles on the floor)
Morning:
I wake up in the mornings and rush to wake up the girls, take the puppy outside to poop, make breakfast, get everyone settled in at the table, eat some food so I don't pass out in class, hope my husbad gets home from work in time, after he gets home from work I often realize that I'm still un my pj's and scramble to get dressed, and then make a haphazard attempt to get out the door in time for my first class.
Often-times I am late... really late. Like. 15 minutes late. I feel tiny as an ant yet bigger than an elephant as I walk through the door and past all my classmates who look at me with equal amounts of smirking and pity. I avoid the withering gaze of the instructor in front of me and try to quietly pull out my books and pencils. Usually I drop something and look like a bumbling idiot.
Noon:
After enduring several hours of classes and rushing to complete assignments in-between them, I run home to grab a bite to eat. A simple bit to eat usually ends up with me trying to break up fights, changing poopy diapers, putting the youngest down for a nap, filling the dishwasher (love that thing!), and then heating up some leftovers and attempting to inhale them when I realize I'm already 5 minutes late for my next class.
Repeat the morning procedure for entering a class late.
Afternoon-Evening:
Screaming. That's all I hear. Just continuous screaming. Breaking up fights, trying to clean, and plugging my ears as my toddlers either try to kill each other or have super fun screaming contests. Either way, it all involves screaming.
By this time my poor husband is passed out in bed trying to get enough sleep to get him through another graveyard shift. I try to stop them from screaming so he can hopefully have peaceful sleep... nope. Saying "Shhhhh" or shouting "SSHhhhhhh!!!!" to them just means, "hey do it louder!" (Yes, you can shout and wisper at the same time. You just need a super strong diaphram.)
I could go on... but what's the point? You get the picture. Somehow we always manage to eat some kind of last meal of the day and then it's the horrible bedtime ritual that involves more screaming. By then I am exhausted and ready for bed. But then I remember I'm a full-time student so I try to read one of the many books I have to write reports on, tackle some case study involving business-ey things, or write papers. I usually fail at staying awake and wake up at 3-5 am on the couch with a book on my face and drag myself to bed.
So yeah, life is nuts and the treadmill is out of control. I have too many responsibilities right now. There is no possible way to get off this type of treadmill without looking like an idiot. It will probably involve me getting some scrapes and bruises but hopefully not a broken neck.
I decided to quit school for the time being. WHAT?! Yup. I can't go back next semester. I really do mean it for real. I don't know if I will even pass the classes I am in this semester. If I ever have a chance of having a healthy body and baby when I give birth in April I need to have less stress in my life! So I am making an awkward jump and hoping I land on 2 feet.
Obviously no-one at school is too thrilled because apparently I have earned a reputation for being a super-mom. I really don't know how killing yourself for a degree makes you a super-mom. I'm not willing to be super-mom if that's the case. And seriously, I won't listen to the concerns about my education from men who don't know what it's like to be a human pod. It sucks all the energy out of you!
I'm not quitting for good... I will return as a part-time student in the future. I can't quit something once I start. But I am going to do it in a way that won't bring me to a mental-emotional snapping point. But most of all, I am doing it for my children.
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